R.I.P Buttercup

Yesterday our family was torn apart from each other as Buttercup lost her battle with feline leukemia. We thought she was going to be able to beat it and that perhaps her bone marrow would start regenerating again as this past week she seemed to be doing better. Friday night though she wasn't doing well at all. She hadn't eaten at all that day and not much the day before and had started to lose body functions. Dan gave her one last bath to help get her clean and we almost lost her during that process. It was just heart breaking to watch! We got her comfortable and stayed up with her for as long as we could until she fell asleep. We checked on her throughout the night and she was still breathing. I knew what we would have to do the next morning and just dreaded the thought.

Saturday morning we got up and Daniel picked her up and wrapped her in a blanket and brought her to me. I just held her and let her know everything would be okay and that she was going to go to a place that she could be happy forever and healthy again. She purred the whole time I held her. Daniel put her on the bed for a bit so we could get ready to go to the ER for one last time with her. My poor baby just lay on the bed and was trying to get comfortable, but still purred the whole time as I sat there and stroked her fur. Dan picked her up and placed her in my arms and we rushed to the vet. I could tell she was in pain as any movement caused her to cry out in a very mournful meow. We barely made it to the vet. Her breathing had become more labored and she had started gasping for air. I felt sick to my stomach that we had waited this long and she was indeed now suffering! They rushed us back to the exam room and took her from me. I wasn't with her when they gave her the I.V fluids that would help her relax enough to pass on to the Rainbow bridge, but they did bring her back in to me so I could hold her and talk to her and let her know it was okay to go on and keep Grandpa Marvin, Uncle Alan, Nanny and Dan's Grandparents all company while she waited for us to meet her again and cross the bridge together as an eternal family.

Even though I know she is in a better place and my heart is at peace with that fact, I still feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces all over again every time I see something in the house that reminds me of her or find one of her toys or a piece of her hair. Losing her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and I don't know what to do without needing to care for her now. She was my best friend and was always there for me when I needed her. I'm trying to not be sad because I know she wouldn't want me to be sad. Whenever she saw me sick or upset she always came over to cuddle and let me know everything would be okay. I know I have to continue to be strong and go on with life, right now though, the mere thought seems impossible!

We decided to do cremation so that she could be laid to rest in the flower bed and pond that she loved so much. It was going to be very difficult to do a burial there since we will have to move it soon when we put in a new deck and porch and fence. So I picked out a very pretty ceramic urn with kitties on it to put her ashes in and next year on the anniversary of her death if everything is in place, we will spread her ashes in the flowerbed near the catmint plant.