This was the one blog I hoped to never have to write. Our journey to become parents has been postponed for now. On Thursday we went into have a second ultrasound. I was very excited because I had been feeling pretty good this past week despite a bit of cramping on Wednesday that had me concerned. When we arrived for the ultrasound, I found out that Gary would be doing the ultrasound. Now, most women would have an issue with a man doing a vaginal ultrasound, but Gary is very professional and is actually the owner of the facility. I had begun to refer to him as our good luck charm (not something Dan liked mind you) but it always seemed that whenever we have been remotely close to being able to conceive and then this time around when we actually did, he had been the one to perform the first round of ultrasound that led to conception. Thursday was a different story. Gary was unable to find the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound. The news was beyond devastating. He kept trying but just was not able to find one. He also said there had not been any fetal development in the last ten days and where I should be measuring at 8 weeks pregnant, I was still only measuring at 6 weeks as I did with the one 10 days ago. It was news he hated to deliver and news we hated to hear. I was unable to speak, all I could do was lean against Daniel and sob. The news just seemed so surreal. I could not believe that our precious angel was not going to enter into this world. Worse yet, I had not officially miscarried yet and would have to wait it out over the next few days for the bleeding to start. I still don't know what is worse, unexpectedly miscarrying and knowing it is over immediately or waiting for it to happen and building up false hopes with each passing hour that perhaps the ultrasound was wrong. No words can describe what I have been feeling over the last three days. I have gone from feeling empty inside to angry that something so unfair could happen to us, to me after everything I have been though. Then, a very dear friend of mine sent me an email that contained some very comforting words from a talk given by Elder Wirthlin: “I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth. Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant. On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled. It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest. But the doom of that day did not endure. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind. Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”
How ironic that it was only a day before Friday that we found out our precious angel, our gift from God was not going to make it. Today is Sunday, the day we remember the covenants we have made with our Heavenly Father. It is also the first Sunday of the month, the Sunday that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are encouraged to bear their testimony and proclaim their love for our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. While I was unable to attend church this morning, I would like to bear my testimony to all who read this that I know our Heavenly Father is mindful of each and every one of us and the trials that we each must go through. While at first I did not understand why this had to happen to Daniel and I and admittedly was angry (not at God, but at myself), and there will still be times I will question if it was something I did, I received a very strong answer to my prayers last night. Last night, while I was praying, pouring my heart and soul out to my Father in Heaven asking for strength and peace for what was about to happen I heard the answer. In the stillness of the night I heard my child's voice speak to me "mommy it's okay, I am with Heavenly Father now" and I felt the loving arms of my Savior wrap around me and I felt at peace.
There will be dark days ahead, but knowing that my baby was so special that she did not need to come to this earth to receive an earthly body and go through all the mortal trials so many of us on earth go through gives me such peace and joy. I know Dan and I will be reunited with our baby one day and raise her ( I truly believe we were to have a girl). Knowing that she was conceived with such love and under the covenant and that we are an eternal family means more to me than words can describe. Even though I did not have the chance to hold her in my arms, she has already taught me more than I thought possible. She gave me hope for the future that becoming parents here on earth is possible for Daniel and myself and that it will happen one day. She also taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible and to trust in the Lord more for through him all things are possible.
My favorite poem "Footprints" has been going through my mind as I write this. Many of you know it so I will not repeat it. I know though that the Lord has walked before me and has laid the path down for me to follow should I so choose and will walk beside me as I go throughout this mortal estate and when I just simply am unable to hold myself up even on the darkest of dark Fridays, he will lift me up and carry me into Sunday.
Daniel and I greatly appreciate all who have lifted us up in prayer and offered words of encouragement as we deal with our loss. The healing process will take time and I appreciate all those who have given me space and time to myself over the last several days. Everyone grieves in their own way and I hope that nobody takes offense to an unanswered phone call or email, but my head and heart still is swarming with emotions as I continue to find peace with what has happened.
I admit, I have always had difficulty turning to the scriptures, yet I know that I will need to over the coming weeks and months as I cope with this loss. There is a promise in the New Testament that I recently read that I shall leave you with today.
“I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:18, 27.)
Kristie and Daniel