Our little angel has returned to be with Heavenly Father

This was the one blog I hoped to never have to write. Our journey to become parents has been postponed for now. On Thursday we went into have a second ultrasound. I was very excited because I had been feeling pretty good this past week despite a bit of cramping on Wednesday that had me concerned. When we arrived for the ultrasound, I found out that Gary would be doing the ultrasound. Now, most women would have an issue with a man doing a vaginal ultrasound, but Gary is very professional and is actually the owner of the facility. I had begun to refer to him as our good luck charm (not something Dan liked mind you) but it always seemed that whenever we have been remotely close to being able to conceive and then this time around when we actually did, he had been the one to perform the first round of ultrasound that led to conception. Thursday was a different story. Gary was unable to find the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound. The news was beyond devastating. He kept trying but just was not able to find one. He also said there had not been any fetal development in the last ten days and where I should be measuring at 8 weeks pregnant, I was still only measuring at 6 weeks as I did with the one 10 days ago. It was news he hated to deliver and news we hated to hear. I was unable to speak, all I could do was lean against Daniel and sob. The news just seemed so surreal. I could not believe that our precious angel was not going to enter into this world. Worse yet, I had not officially miscarried yet and would have to wait it out over the next few days for the bleeding to start. I still don't know what is worse, unexpectedly miscarrying and knowing it is over immediately or waiting for it to happen and building up false hopes with each passing hour that perhaps the ultrasound was wrong. No words can describe what I have been feeling over the last three days. I have gone from feeling empty inside to angry that something so unfair could happen to us, to me after everything I have been though. Then, a very dear friend of mine sent me an email that contained some very comforting words from a talk given by Elder Wirthlin: “I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth. Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant. On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled. It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest. But the doom of that day did not endure. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind. Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

How ironic that it was only a day before Friday that we found out our precious angel, our gift from God was not going to make it. Today is Sunday, the day we remember the covenants we have made with our Heavenly Father. It is also the first Sunday of the month, the Sunday that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are encouraged to bear their testimony and proclaim their love for our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. While I was unable to attend church this morning, I would like to bear my testimony to all who read this that I know our Heavenly Father is mindful of each and every one of us and the trials that we each must go through. While at first I did not understand why this had to happen to Daniel and I and admittedly was angry (not at God, but at myself), and there will still be times I will question if it was something I did, I received a very strong answer to my prayers last night. Last night, while I was praying, pouring my heart and soul out to my Father in Heaven asking for strength and peace for what was about to happen I heard the answer. In the stillness of the night I heard my child's voice speak to me "mommy it's okay, I am with Heavenly Father now" and I felt the loving arms of my Savior wrap around me and I felt at peace.

There will be dark days ahead, but knowing that my baby was so special that she did not need to come to this earth to receive an earthly body and go through all the mortal trials so many of us on earth go through gives me such peace and joy. I know Dan and I will be reunited with our baby one day and raise her ( I truly believe we were to have a girl). Knowing that she was conceived with such love and under the covenant and that we are an eternal family means more to me than words can describe. Even though I did not have the chance to hold her in my arms, she has already taught me more than I thought possible. She gave me hope for the future that becoming parents here on earth is possible for Daniel and myself and that it will happen one day. She also taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible and to trust in the Lord more for through him all things are possible.

My favorite poem "Footprints" has been going through my mind as I write this. Many of you know it so I will not repeat it. I know though that the Lord has walked before me and has laid the path down for me to follow should I so choose and will walk beside me as I go throughout this mortal estate and when I just simply am unable to hold myself up even on the darkest of dark Fridays, he will lift me up and carry me into Sunday.

Daniel and I greatly appreciate all who have lifted us up in prayer and offered words of encouragement as we deal with our loss. The healing process will take time and I appreciate all those who have given me space and time to myself over the last several days. Everyone grieves in their own way and I hope that nobody takes offense to an unanswered phone call or email, but my head and heart still is swarming with emotions as I continue to find peace with what has happened.

I admit, I have always had difficulty turning to the scriptures, yet I know that I will need to over the coming weeks and months as I cope with this loss. There is a promise in the New Testament that I recently read that I shall leave you with today.

“I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:18, 27.)

With Love,
Kristie and Daniel

Sad day for the mommy-to-be

This morning my parents and I said "see you later" as they headed out on their drive to St. Louis. I know my mom didn't want to get me upset and cause any undue stress on me or the baby so we kept everything as light as possible. They had stopped off at Target before coming over here and brought us a surprise. It's our first baby gifts. Mom said she had a hard time finding anything gender neutral so she just had to get us two things. I of course have to take pictures of both because they are so adorable that words just don't describe them. For now, her nickname for the baby has been pea (as in sweet pea) but she couldn't find anything that said "pea" on it so she had to go with a very cute blanket that has a green elephant on it that says "little peanut".

You're going to be Grandparents Mom and Dad!

Today was a very emotional roller coaster type of day. Yesterday, Sunday the 23rd I started bleeding a bit heavier again. I've been spotting a bit here and there all week so I've been trying to take it as easy as possible. I spent all day yesterday in bed after calling Joy. She was a bit more concerned because there was a small blood clot yesterday that I passed. She suggested we move the ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday up to Monday (today) just to be on the safe side. After getting off the phone with her and Dan helping me to get calmed down, he put me back to bed and made me some more tea and also made me one of the Betty Crocker Warm Delight Desserts that I had been craving but hadn't yet tried yet. That actually tasted really good and was the first thing that I've had since being pregnant that I really truly enjoyed. I'm going to have to be careful about eating too many sweets! I don't want to gain too much weight during my pregnancy.

At 8:00 this morning I called to see when I could come in for the ultrasound. They had an opening at 9:15 so we took that appointment. We still got there a good 15 minutes early to try and get in as soon as possible, but we still ended up waiting till almost 9:20 to see the ultrasound technician. She brought us to the back and confirmed my last menstrual cycle. She told us that there was a chance with the baby still being so small that we may not see much if anything today and not to worry as that happens quite often. As soon as she started the ultrasound she was able to see the gestational sac which she said was a very good sign. Now we just had to wait for her to locate the embryo. It seemed like an eternity before she found any sign of the embryo, but in all reality it was probably about 5-10 minutes.

I think now that I have seen my baby on an ultrasound I can honestly say that I now understand why pregnancy is such an emotional time for parents to be. Seeing that little tiny diamond ring size dot and knowing that is going to be our baby was the biggest moment of my life. It finally set in for both of us that we were going to be parents! As soon as the technician left the room for me to get dressed, Dan leaned over and kissed me and told me how much he loved me.

After we got done with that appointment we went to a celebratory breakfast at IHOP. Dan finally was feeling optimistic enough to call his best friend Shannon who was let into the small circle of secrecy. Next it was off to the store to buy groceries for tonight's dinner where we would make the big announcement to mom and dad. We decided to go with a "baby" theme. We got baby carrots, baby corn, baby potatoes, baby greens and decided to make Dan's ribs since he uses Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce. I also invited my best friend Nikki and her husband over to share in the good news.

Dinner was a bit nerve racking but luckily the conversation at first centered around both my parents and Nikki and Bruce moving and they were so caught up in that conversation that I was able to relax some. It was funny that nobody really noticed the theme to dinner. We even used our nice china for the occasion. Right after dinner we brought out the cake that we had purchased that said congratulations on it. At the same time I handed my dad an "early" father's day card. On the front of the card it said "#1 greatest dad and #1 greatest grandpa..." and on the inside of the card I put one of the first sonogram pictures in it. He read the card outloud and then took a look at the sonogram and started to stutter asking what it was (I think he knew he just wanted to pull my mom along). I told him to pass it to mom and that she would know what it was. Just as she did, Dan winked at Nikki and she figured it out and almost started to cry. Mom took the card and it took less than a second to figure it out. To really see their reaction, here's the link to the Youtube video:

Our first scare in the pregnancy

Last night I started to experience some bleeding. I have heard this is normal some during the first trimester, however it doesn't help the already paranoid mother-to-be to see it when it happens. Daniel made me some chamomile tea as he had heard that was safe for pregnancy and helped calm the nerves. I'm not quite sure it did though! This morning I called the doctor's office right away and talked with my provider. Joy said that everything should be fine and to just take it easy. She also said I could come in for labs just to double check on everything to help relax my nerves. Of course I took her up on her offer. The labs came back just fine though so now I just have to relax and keep my hopes up for a healthy and safe pregnancy. I think once I have that first ultrasound I will feel much better as to how things are progressing. My biggest worry right now is that I might have pushed things too much this weekend or last night with my other medical procedure that I have to do on a regular basis. I can't help but think that if I were to miscarry that it is going to be my fault. I know it wouldn't be, but I think that is something every expecting mom goes through especially those that do have a miscarriage.

Mother/Daughter Weekend in Denali

This weekend mom and I took the Alaska Railroad train trip up to Denali. It is something that we both have always wanted to do and she wanted to do it before leaving for St. Louis. It was such a great weekend. The train was incredibly comfy and there were only about 6 people total in the car we were in so it was very laid back. The train conductor, Steve, was incredibly nice to us as well and had so many great stories to share with us. On the way up we got to see lots of wildlife too. Mom saw a moose shortly after we left and then we both got to see a black bear, several beavers and trumpeter swans. On the way back mom missed seeing all 4 black bears (I only got to see one of the 4), but I guess that's what you get when you chance using the restroom! The scenery was absolutely spectacular. We even got to see Denali some on the way back. That is the interesting thing about the mountain, in the summertime it can sometimes be harder to see because there tends to be more cloud coverage. We did get lucky though and did get some pictures of it.

When we got to Denali, 8 hours after leaving Anchorage, we were both ready to get into our hotel room and rest some even though the train ride was pretty relaxing. However, when we got off the train and met the hotel escort, we found out that they did not have us listed as needing a wheelchair accommodating room. We boarded the bus to the hotel and were assured by the staff that we would have a room by the time we got to the hotel. As you can guess, they were wrong as well. We had to finally have the manager come out and work things out. It took us nearly 3 hours from the time we got off the train till we could get into our room. The good thing that came out of it though was that we got free dinner provided by the hotel while we waited for our room to become available. The room was nearly down at the other end of the resort, only accessible by you guessed it....another bus! I was so tired of buses by the time we got to our room! Luckily my morning sickness hasn't set in yet and I was able to cover up the pregnancy during the whole trip. It was incredibly difficult though. Mom kept offering me Dr. Pepper and I am sure she wondered why I kept turning it down. I also tried eating as healthy as possible and stashing saltine crackers when I could.

Now, if you are asking yourself why I didn't spill the beans or how I was able to keep the secret for the whole entire trip, it wasn't and I nearly did. I really wanted both my parents to find out at the same time though plus also make sure that we were progressing well in the pregnancy for a bit longer and get some more questions answered before breaking the news. It has been incredibly hard now telling the whole world our good news but I know it is for the best right now.

Round 2 of Labs Today

Yesterday morning I went to get my progestrone level rechecked since it was a tad on the low side on Monday. The good news from those results are that all my levels have sky rocketed! So no more labs for a couple of weeks at least. I am still taking the medicine Joy prescibed to me though just to ensure that the progestrone levels stay where they should be. Joy also scheduled me for my first ultrasound! On May 25th we will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! They call it a "viability ultrasound". It's funny how technical everything with Joy seems to be. It makes it seem like everything you always hear about or see on t.v. and in movies is just being romanticized. After hearing when our first official ultrasound and OB appointment is going to be, I think it has finally hit that I am really pregnant! I am definitely starting to feel a bag of emotions all at once. Up until now it still didn't seem real and it still doesn't a bit. I am sure once we go to that first ultrasound it is really going to sink in!

It's Official - We're Having a baby!

This morning we got up early to make it into the doctor's office as soon as they opened. Daniel has been so wonderful to me (as he always is I might add) since we found out we were expecting. He makes sure I am taking my vitamins and made sure I ate a well-rounded breakfast this morning. Other than already starting to have cravings, I am feeling great.

We didn't have to wait long at the doctor's office to get the blood workup that she had ordered. The test included a pregnancy test to confirm, a check of my thyroid level and a check of my progestrone level. All in all it was somewhat anti-climatic. However, as we were waiting for me to get a shot, boost rather, of progestrone, my arm started bleeding where they had drawn the blood. It wasn't anything major, but I just thought it was funny because I hardly ever bleed like that! I guess all those hormones are really kicking in! I was told I'd have to wait till toward the end of the day to get my results.

Well, when we left Joy's office (she is the fertility specialist we've been seeing for awhile now) I really wanted to stop by my primary care doctor's office and see if they could move my appointment I was to have on Thursday to sooner just so I could let her know and discuss things with her. As luck would have it, when we got there to talk to her office staff, they had an immediate opening! So of course we took it. I also had an extra incentive to go in earlier. I knew she could run a urine test and confirm the pregnancy within 30 minutes!

As soon as we got to the exam room, the nurse asked what we were being seen for today. When I told her the news she was very excited! She knew we'd been trying to conceive for awhile and was one of the few people who actually did know. I went ahead and completed the traditional urine test despite Dan wanting me to just wait for the blood results instead...something about killing rabbits? I think it's an old wives tale he has heard somewhere. However, I went ahead and took the test.

We didn't have to wait long to get the results either. Within about 15 minutes the doctor came into the room with the announcement "Well here's the first piece of paper for the baby book" and was all smiles. It looks like my due date is around January 15th. At least I avoided a December baby, just barely though!

We spent the rest of the day doing research on the computer to start preparing for our first OBGYN visit and other health insurance related matters. Dan took the day off to celebrate himself. I believe his comment was "I just found out I am going to be a father, I think I deserve to take the day off!" I'm glad he did too because it gave me a chance to rest while he did housework for me and we could just enjoy the day together. It was great being able to relax and take a nap while he cleaned the yard. I could definitely get used to being pampered like this!

I called the fertility specialist later in the afternoon. She said that for the most part things looked good but that my progestrone level was a tad lower than what she would like. Mine is at 15.9 and she really likes it to be over 20. So I have to go on progestrone for the next 5 weeks just to make sure that everything is going to stay stable and hopefully get those levels up a littler higher for baby's safety. I have to go back on Wednsday to have my levels rechecked.

What a Mother's Day!

Today is Mother's Day, May 9th 2010. It's a day to celebrate all the wonderful mothers who do so much for their families. I have to admit, despite having a wonderful mother and a great mother-in-law, since I have been married, it is the one holiday I haven't really looked forward to as it is just another reminder that Daniel and I still have not been able to have children despite our best efforts. We really did not want to do any extreme measures and have left it in Heavenly Father's hands as to what size our family will be.

I figured that this Mother's Day would be similar as to most others since getting married. Dan's mother always sends me a card celebrating my "mothering" her grand furbabies as she calls them. It usually helps me get through the day. We then take my mom (and dad if he is in town) to either a brunch of some sort or dinner.

This year was a bit different. Dan had to go to work in the morning so we couldn't do breakfast with mom this year and opted for dinner instead. When he got home, he had gotten me a beautiful teapot shaped ceramic teapot flower pot and a beautiful spring bouquet. We or rather I joked about how it really should be called Happy Primary Caregivers Day to honor those who are not necessarily "mothers" but still take care of their little family/home just the same. We needed to go to the store before dinner to get a couple of things. While we were there, I decided that since it was Mother's Day and I already knew I was "late" with a certain female ritual, to pick up an EPT test. I honestly didn't think it would be positive since it hasn't ever been. Then we went to dinner with mom and had a very nice dinner.

Am I leaving you hanging like this on purpose? Of course not. This time next year I will be celebrating my first official Mother's Day! By the time this posting is made public, I will be 12 weeks pregnant! We will have told my parents and Dan's parents by then. I'm only hoping that mom is not too upset that we didn't tell her on Mother's Day. Honestly, I was still in shock (yes I for some reason took the test before dinner in case you are wondering) and we wanted to wait to get official confirmation from my doctor first and get past that risky 6-8 week period that I have read so much about in the last 24 hours. I also really wanted to wait for my dad to be back in town so we could tell both of them at the same time. I am extremely nervous and scared right now about miscarrying and just don't feel as though I can take having to tell people twice if something were to happen.

We love you all and look forward to taking this journey together and sharing it with all of our family and friends that we love so much.

The Blogging Craze

I know, I know, it's been forever since I have blogged. Okay, you would think as much as I have always loved to write, I would be a more active blogger. I don't know why I am not though. Maybe I have some deep seeded fear that what I write will be taken the wrong way by whomever ever read this thing. Maybe I just am not as "blog crazy" a other people seem to be. Well, whatever the fear or hesitation my be, I have decided to no longer sit idly by watching the days pass me by without remembering to record as many a possible. I know my life might not be as interesting as others, but if other people can write about their "everyday" life and have tons of followers, then I figure "why can't I?" Afterall, I know I am a good writer!

So, I just figured I would make this my small little post for the day and renew my already renewed commitment to blog every day! Thanks for stopping by!